Being Relationship Positive: The Magic of Asking
I am a divorce lawyer who believes in love.
As I watch my summer flowers get their first flakes of snow, I am reflecting on the changing seasons of love and relationships – friendships, marriages, parents, siblings, community – there are so many ways that we are “in relationship”.
When clients ask for help to “break up”, I used to worry that being relationship positive was a bit manipulative – Pollyanna – like it was my agenda to make things better! Have you ever felt that way?
So what do you think: How can we respect where our clients are “at”, and still create a space for them to discover a more positive way of being in relation?
The relationship is SO OVER, right?!
We are helping them BREAK UP –not MAKE UP!
Get on with it, right?
(Stop being such a Try Hard!?)
Hmmm...
My studies in curiosity and insight helped me get past this inner critic.
I stopped trying to GET clients to want to improve their post-separation relationship, and instead did a lot more asking about their hopes and fears for the future.
I started to hear from the clients that they very much hoped to have a better relationship with their ex. They feared what their negative communication dynamic was doing to their kids. And because they were invited to discover their unique hopes and fears – not my positivity agenda – they were open to learning and working on it.
So this is another example of the magic of asking.
Discovery is an amazing thing. Being told doesn’t work. And since curiosity calms, I get to release the pressure valve of making things happen, and can be truly present to the unique hopes, fears and values of the client in front of me.
For me, this is the power of asking. Rather than trying to create a more positive outlook for clients, I can help them discover what they hope for—and what might get in the way.
That also takes some pressure off me. I don’t have to make a better relationship happen. I can be present to the hopes, fears and values of the client in front of me, and support them in deciding what comes next.
Give clients space to reflect before you meet
These discoveries don’t have to begin in the meeting room. Clients benefit from having time to consider their hopes, fears and priorities privately, before discussing them with you.
Launch Pad helps you make that preparation part of your practice. It includes guided client preparation workbooks and walks you through choosing and using the right tool for your client’s situation.
Choose a client, choose the workbook and email it to them. They complete the reflection before you meet, giving you a starting point for exploring what matters to them.
No additional training required. Launch Pad guides you through the simple steps so you can get started today.
Explore Launch Pad and help your clients arrive ready for deeper conversations.